How black is too black? None! Erm…or something… Here are the 10 blackest albums in the world.
What is it about pitch-dark covers, coal scuttle lyric-sheets and tracklistings that look like they’ve been buried in asphalt that continues to inspire the world’s greatest artists (and also apparently, Baby Bird)? Time to don your mining helmet and join us as we head down the dimly-lit path of rock n’roll nightmares and uncover the oily remains of The Blackest Albums ever….
The Black Album – Prince
Apparently some people thought that Prince was too pop-orientated in 1987 (because obviously Prince had never had anything at all to do with pop during his career). Anyway, he ditched the purple for something altogether darker as a follow up to Sign O The Times.
Well, almost.
After cobbling together this collection of super funk – and the phrase “Who’s that skinny motherfucker with the high voice?” (courtesy of the frankly weird woman-killing funk workout ‘Bob George’), Prince had a religious wobbly and decided the whole thing was tainted with evil – Brilliant!
Unfortunately he dealt with this by withdrawing it and releasing the altogether more upbeat LoveSexy instead, thus sparing us the likes of the wee fella drawling all over Cindy Crawford on ‘Cindy C’ and pretty much telling every gangsta rapper that they suck balls – top work Prince!
The Black Album – Metallica
Remember when Metallica were great? Not if you were born after 1990 you don’t.
Roping in big-barneted cock rock overlord Bob Rock to produce may have cured the ‘playing under a mattress next door’ sound that plagued ‘…and Justice For All’ and launched the band into the superstar stratosphere, but it also marked the start of their fall from world’s greatest thrash band to middle-management sub-Meatloaf fare.
The song about the werewolf isn’t bad mind you.
The Black Album – The Damned
Loses points for three reasons:
- Firstly, It’s not entirely black.
- B: It was released on Chiswick records, a record label named after the least rock n roll place on Earth.
- Number three: It contains music by The Damned.
The album still manages to rise above these limitations, containing the band’s most enduring tune – ”New Rose’ – and setting them up as the first UK punk band to tour the US.
Caution: May contain traces of Rat Scabies.
The Black Album – Jay-Z
The Black Album – The Dandy Warhols
It’s an album by The Dandy Warhols. Recorded in the ‘official worst decade for music ever’ (mid 1990s). And it was considered too shit for general release.
Eventually a couple of the less crap tunes surfaced on the aptly titled Come Down album, but it was too late for the literally dozen of fans* who’d traded this underground. Methods Unsound respectfully asks that you play Accept’s 1981 hit ‘Balls to the Wall’ really loud in their memory.
*Escaped Lunatics
The Black Album – Boyd Rice
This 12 incher gets extra kudos for being playable at any speed, and for…ooohh…spoooooky…not having a track listing! That’s right: no song titles. Has that blown your mind man? I bet it has, daddio. Anyway, you could do that sort of thing in the 70’s.
Good luck tracking this fucker down.
The Black Album – Planxty
In fact the last vinyl I bought was a copy of Imaginations from the Other Side by Blind Guardian, but that shouldn’t put you off checking out the whimsical strummings and parpings of these Irish fellas. Whoever they are. Extra points for containing a song called Blacksmithereens.
The Black Album – Baby Bird
Well, yes, yes he did, but in certain dark corners he’s still considered a musical genius. You have to remember that he originally made his name during a period when Oasis were occasionally considered ‘good’. Anyhoo, this piece of fusilin indie pops up crammed inside another box-set: The Original Lo-Fi.
Unique in that its musical content was neither original or Lo-Fi, it did at least prompt The Independent to describe it as “A Bargain”. High praise indeed, as Front-ball Stephen Jones proved himself an even worse muso than his Sex Pistols namesake, releasing songs named after lettuce (‘Iceberg’) and inadvertently giving dire popsters Cornershop their name. Should you come across this in your local vinyl emporium, set napalm on it.
This Is Spinal Tap
- Buy album and memorise it.
- Travel to obscure metal festival in Belarus
- Repeat lyrics ad nauseum to anyone within earshot.
- Find you’ve forged several unbreakable friendships that will last a lifetime.
The White Album – The Beatles
The album is probably best known because its original title A Doll’s House was changed when megastar musical geniuses Family released a sort-of-similarly named album. Hey, everyone loves Family don’t they? They’re the biggest band in the world and practically invented pop music.
Anyway, the mop-tops might be quite good, but there’s no denying that as a black album this is shit!
Honestly Paul, what the hell were you thinking? Only the ex-Mr Heather Mills could release a Black Album so totally wrong. Apparently most of the songs were knocked out by Paul and John who would, in their own words, “Rendezvous clandestinely in each other’s hotel rooms.”
A woeful attempt at blackalbumry easily topped by AC/DC’s Back in Black which managed to be more black without even being called The Black Album. It’s no wonder The Beatles faded into musical obscurity so quickly.
There’s plenty more stupid claptrap on the site, for instance you can find out how James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem spends his retirement.
