A modern woman's guide to her secret teenage fantasies.
A modern woman’s guide to her secret teenage fantasies, featuring 10 unsung men (and women… and… uh… puppets) who were the true heartthrobs of the 90s
*Throughout this passage of pop culture ramblings, please repeatedly hum the 1994 Boyz II Men classic, ‘I’ll Make Love to You’.*
Close your eyes, make a wish and manually pencil rewind your memory cassette back to your long-forgotten, teenage wet dreams of the 90s. I’m not reminiscing about the charm filled, sex fuelled Zack Morris.
Nor am I daydreaming about the sweat-drenched dolphin tattoo of Mark Owen or the long luscious locks of Joey Lawrence (although there was everything his love could fix for a chubby, ginger teenager with a wonky, thick fringe, AKA, me).
These fantasies are still fresh in our minds, as if our first pimple was only popped yesterday. We remember them, love them and gently store them away, ready to be available in our flashback wank-bank for old school alone times when we have some ‘personal admin’ to attend to.
The years have flown by in the blink of an iPhone and now we’ve swapped our school books for a download of the daily Metro. However, being saved by the bell in the arms of a young Zack Morris and all those other prepubescent lust-filled fantasies still linger in our wistfully sordid minds.
But I want you to think a little harder… Dredge a little deeper… Leave no Smash Hits poster unturned, because I’m going to nosedive under our sticky teenage sheets and stirring up some of the more long-forgotten 90s guilty heartthrob pleasures…
1) Data [The Goonies]
Many a playground afternoon was whiled away debating who you fancied more, One-Eyed Willie watcher Mikey or his sweaty, muscular, Andy-loving older brother Bran. We may even go so far to say we fancied a quick shuffle on Chunk’s truffle, but it was fast talking inventor Data who really caught our adolescent attention. Oh to be nibbled by his ‘Pincers of Peril’ or oiled up by his ‘Slick Shoes’ and whisked swiftly off our size 5 feet.
2) Pete [Round The Twist]
When he slathered on that ‘lucky lips’ lipstick to give him a helping hand romancing the ladies, we would’ve been only too happy to oblige. No magic lipstick needed to find him irresistible. Had you ever, ever felt like this? Having strange things happen, your knickers going round the twist.
3) Kel [Kenan and Kel]
Who loved orange soda? K-K-K-Kel loved orange soda and we loved Kel. Is it true? Mmm-hmmm. We do, we do, we do, we do-oo. We fantasised about Kel pouring his beloved orange soda all over us, like a wet t-shirt competition in our school uniform. Sure, our mums would be fuming as those luminous orange stains would never come out in the wash. What would we care if our clothes were whiter than Daz whites when we had the zesty taste of Kel. He could put his screw in our tuna, any day. Aww here it goes…
4) Jessica Wakefield [Sweet Valley High]
As a child of the 80s, having been brainwashed by Barbie’s doll bosom, we couldn’t believe our eyes that real life walking, talking ones were found alive and failing classes at Sweet Valley High. Evil party loving twin Jessica got us questioning our newly found sexuality with her long blond hair, sun kissed skin and the cutest little dimple on her left cheek. We didn’t know if we wanted to brush her hair or kiss her… Many a maths lesson was spent gazing out of the window mentally masturbating the thought.
5) Doogie Howser MD [Doogie Howser MD]
Having spent our formative years playing doctors and nurses, once we’d laid eyes on young Doogie Howser MD, we knew we were ready to go private. With the internet just a baby Apple pip, teenagers were reduced to trawling weekly magazines and measly wishful thinking to try and catch a glimpse of their latest TV crush. A scrap in the school playground, resulting in a bloodied lip, was well worth a tiny photo, cut out of the Radio Times, of the thinking girl’s hunk. After all this baby faced doctor would help kiss it better. The doctor can see me now.
6) Michelangelo [Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles]
True love knows no bounds. Even if he was a heroic mutant adolescent turtle, he was our dude. Leonardo was preoccupied trying to pull a Splinter. Donatello was too busy fiddling with his machines to fiddle with you. Raphael was cool but rude, give us a break, but Michelangelo, he liked a pizza and he liked a party. We were heroes in a half shell hooked. Michelangelo, our hero. He had us coming out of our shell.
7) Hobie Buchannon [Baywatch]
The sun drenched shores of Baywatch were awash with golden beauties but it was David Hasselhoff’s prepubescent son Hobie that ensured our hearts needed rescuing. We weren’t saved by the buoyant personality of a young Pamela Anderson or resuscitated by the moustachioed baldness of the one who could actually swim. But when Hobie emerged from the shadows of Mitch’s sucked in stomach, we knew we’d found our guy. We were ready.
8) PJ & Duncan [Byker Grove]
With the yellow paint still wet in his eyes from the tragic paintballing accident, it would be like the blind leading the sexually blind in this lustful trip up the Grove. Aspiring rapper PJ could never do anything (or hopefully anyone) without his faithful friend Duncan to lend a hand. After all they were a duo, a twosome. Sexual scenarios? We weren’t frightened to use them. This cheeky chappy double act were a girl’s first dabble with eternal love and hormone fuelled hopes of being the virgin filling of a Geordie sandwich. Tonight lads, we’re free. Let’s get ready to fumble.
9) Zig [The Big Breakfast]
This fawny hunk of hand-love-puppet Zig, or Zigmund Ambrose Zogly to those who know and love him the most, beamed into our lives whilst we ate our breakfast. Although his older brother Zag was a well-known lecherous lothario, it was his weak-willed childish simpleton brother Zig that caught our adolescent eye. We dreamed of running our fry-up fingers through his greasy green hair in hope that one day we would get our hands on his fluffy red balls or “zogabongs” to those whose love ran deep. We prayed he would take us all the way to planet Zog and back, and when he thrust his pale puppet paws at us in the 90s’ dance sensation ‘Them Girls Them Girls’ his words rang true. We did all love him.
10) Meat Loaf
So what if he was old enough to be your dad and reminded you of your year 9 history teacher. When hunk of man meat ‘The Loaf’ warbled on about how he would do anything for our love, his Quasimodo face never looked so good. When a storm started raging outside we would quickly change into a flowy white nighty and blast ourselves with a hairdryer in the hope that he would run through our candle lit corridor. He would do anything for our love. Which was lucky really, because we would do that. Am I right ladies…?
*holds up hands for a virtual double high five*
… just me then.