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How James Murphy should really be spending his retirement

18 July, 2015 — by Christopher Ratcliff0

james murphy in front of blue wallpaper

It’s been four years since the break up of LCD Soundsystem. Frontman James Murphy dissolved the band at their peak as he felt that a burly 41 year-old man with greying hair should no longer be the lead singer of the hippest band in New York.

Since 2011, James Murphy has dived headlong into a variety of idiosyncratic projects, each slightly more eccentric than the last. Only instead of building a train-set in the attic or Googling ways to safely auto-erotically asphyxiate himself like most retirees, Murphy’s obsessive-compulsive pottering is far more high profile but arguably just as deranged.

Here are the best of his post-retirement projects, with a look at what he really should have been doing with his time based on the behaviour of most normal retired men.

Project: Remixes Made With Tennis Data

In 2014 James Murphy teamed up with IBM to convert the raw data from more than 180 games played in the US Open into 400 hours of sound. Murphy composed an algorithm that generated notes from a variety of moments – faults, points and aces, with pitch and tempo determined by the player’s seed or court temperature – which he then cut together to create 14 tracks of ambient electronica. Although the concept sounds terrible, the album is a beautiful work of minimalist techno and often sounds like the framework of some later LCD Soundsystem tracks. In fact it could certainly give Aphex Twin’s latest computer controlled experiment a run for its bitcoin.

james murphy tennis player data ibm

What Murphy should have been doing instead…

So far these shelves have remained not put up. And they certainly won’t do it themselves.

shelves not put up

Project: Signature Coffee Maker

Directly after LCD Soundsystem disbanded in 2011, James Murphy turned his attention to his next favourite passion, coffee. More than a year in the making, Murphy’s signature espresso ‘House of Good’ was developed with Blue Bottle Coffee Company’s CEO James Freeman. It has been described as both “a neutral and balanced espresso with flavour notes that include dried cherry, cocoa, and Meyer lemon” and “thoroughly accessible”. Much like LCD’s second album Sound of Silver.

james murphy house of good coffee

What Murphy should have been doing instead…

B&Q run a programme where they employ senior citizens part-time to greet people at its stores. He could have done that. He would’ve been good at that. It would have got him out of the house.

old people working in B&Q

Project: Despacio

Together with 2ManyDjs and engineer John Klett, James Murphy designed Despacio in 2013. A formation of seven 3.5 metre-tall McIntosh speaker stacks placed at strategic points around Manchester’s New Century Hall, making up a Grateful Dead smashing 50,000-watt sound system.

despacio set up

What Murphy should have been doing instead…

He could have completed an evening course in information technology for senior citizens and learnt how to use Excel spreadsheets. He then could have used his newfound skills to help organise his boxes and boxes of old pornography.

old boxes of porn

Project: Subway Symphony

James Murphy has been attempting to change the sound of the New York turnstile beeps since 1999. Now finally rid of his LCD Soundsystem commitments, Murphy can take a proper crack at it. It’s perfect timing as the Metropolitan Transit Authority plans to update the system by 2019. Murphy has proposed a plan that would have each turnstile harmonise with others by emitting three-to-five note sequences, which would be much better than what he describes as the “dissonant rubbing-Styrofoam-on-glass squeak”.

subway symphony new york

What Murphy should have been doing instead…

Buying an expensive, high-powered telescope and getting heavily into ‘astronomy’.

Ashley's Window in disturbia neighbour undressing

Project: Actor

James Murphy had a supporting role in the 2012 film The Comedy, also starring Tim and Eric from Tim and Eric. Murphy played a character who “whiles away his days with a group of ageing Brooklyn hipsters, engaging in acts of recreational cruelty and pacified boredom”. David Lewis of the San Francisco Chronicle wrote that the film was “one of the most self-indulgent, pretentious and unfunny movies of the year”.

james murphy and tim and eric in the comedy

What Murphy should have been doing instead…

I don’t know watching fucking Countdown or something.

tombstone

Anyway, that’s your lot. Byeeeeeeeeee.

lcd soundsystem james murphy waving

There’s plenty more stupid claptrap on the site, for instance here are the 20 rejected album titles for my heavy metal band.

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How James Murphy should really be spending his retirement
Title:
How James Murphy should really be spending his retirement
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Here are the best of James Murphy's post-retirement projects, with a look at what he really should have been doing with his time based on the behaviour of most normal retired men.
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