It’s not really necessary to reiterate what a complete parade of shite 2016 has been, but I’m going to do it anyway.
After all, we’re living in the “post-truth” age now, which means that I can say whatever I like without the need to qualify it with actual knowledge or facts.
But, then again, I haven’t fallen completely out of love with evidence-based claims just yet, so take your pick from the festive selection box of 2016 wankery:
- We lost David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Harper Lee, George Martin, Prince, Victoria Wood, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, Leonard Cohen and a whole host of people that generally made the world a brighter place
- We saw hate crime rise by 41% in the immediate aftermath of Brexit
- Boris Johnson
- A man with 24 sexual assault allegations to his name was elected President of the United States
- And a thousand more atrocities against humankind that shouldn’t be condensed into bullet points
For these reasons and many more, it’s possible that you might not be feeling quite so jolly this Christmas. If, like me, you’re in the mood for a bit of a mope, I’ve put together a modest playlist to help you do just that.
Silent Night – Bright Eyes
If you’re looking for a track that makes you feel like you’re drowning really slowly along with a group of carollers and their maracas, then this is the one for you.
River – Joni Mitchell
Perhaps the ultimate anti-festive track, ‘River’ is basically about feeling so at odds with Christmas that you would rather ice skate all the way from California to Alaska and presumably die in the process. Perfect for your next family gathering.
Christmas Time is Here – Mark Kozelek
The vibe of this track is pretty much exactly what you would expect from the famously sunny Mark Kozelek, aka Sun Kil Moon (for further reading, please see ‘War on Drugs: Suck My Cock’). In all seriousness though, this whole album is great, and features an especially perfect cover of ‘2000 Miles’.
O Come O Come Emmanuel – Sufjan Stevens
First off, we need to take a moment to acknowledge that Sufjan Stevens actually released a 5-DISC CHRISTMAS ALBUM back in 2006. FIVE WHOLE DISCS. What a work ethic.
Anyway, the combination of Sufjan’s trademark whispery vocals and a bit of sad banjo strumming on this track make it ideal for a festive mope.
Hark the Herald Angels Sing – Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan’s Christmas album is perfect self-flagellation material. It’s actually been scientifically proven that the energy you expend in trying to follow Bob’s vocal line on this particular track is equal to pushing a large boulder up the side of a cliff for eternity.
All I Want for Christmas is You (MIDI Converter Edition) – Mariah Carey
If there’s one song that truly sums up the insanity of 2016, it’s Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ turned into this MIDI-MP3 spawn of Satan.
If you only listen to one song from this playlist, make it this one. Because no matter how shitty we feel about the awful, awful state of the world, we need to remember to laugh every once in a while. In fact, I think the potential for 2017 to be a better year depends on it.