The R-rated Deadpool continues to dominate box offices around the world and film execs in Hollywood have taken notice, after all they do love money. They’re famous for it! So it’s likely that the next Wolverine film, Logan, will be R-rated, as will the upcoming X-Men spinoff, X-Force. Also Zach Snyder has said that Batman V Superman will receive the R-rated Director’s Cut treatment for its home video release.
All of these commercial knee-jerk reactions have led the likes of rational people such as James Gunn, director of Guardians of the Galaxy, to lay into the execs he fears will “rewrite history”:
“So, over the next few months, if you pay attention to the trades, you’ll see Hollywood misunderstanding the lesson they should be learning with Deadpool. They’ll be green lighting films “like Deadpool” – but, by that, they won’t mean “good and original” but “a raunchy superhero film” or “it breaks the fourth wall.” They’ll treat you like you’re stupid, which is the one thing Deadpool didn’t do.”
As an aspiring screenwriter – I’ve already written three different speeches for when I’m victorious at the Oscars, one charming, one serious, one pure unbridled arrogance – I thought I’d jump into the R-rated gravy train too (maybe that was the wrong idiom to use) and pitch my own ideas to the wonderful trigger-happy Hollywood execs, who love money as much as I would love them to give me a big pile of it.
And since they’ll be applying their ‘Deadpool Lessons’ to all future superhero films anyway, I thought I would focus on other genres, such as romcoms, dramas and underrated stop-motion children’s movies. (That last genre is in particular need of some ‘Deadpoolification’).
All of the following I believe will appeal to the Deadpool Generation:
1) James and the Giant Peach
Let’s face it, the 1996 adaption of the beloved Roald Dahl novel, whilst being critically praised, was a commercial failure. In a post-Deadpool world we now know it’s because it wasn’t R-rated. So here is my pitch…
After witnessing the brutal death of his parents by a rhinoceros, James, armed with only a giant peach, goes in search of the killer, aiming to poach him and sell his horn to shady non-specific Asian buyers.
But, I can already hear you clamouring, “using a giant peach to kill a murderous rhino is a ludicrous idea!” Well, good thing James has learnt some #DeadpoolLessons. James is not only aware that using a giant fruit to kill a rhino is insane, he also knows that he is in a movie written by me! This makes the conceit perfectly acceptable in the post-Deadpool world. To show how clever I am, James will stop throughout the film and address the audience with a sassy zinger. It will be subtle. It will be tasteful. It will be lucrative.
Also, the epilogue will open up the possibility of a franchise as James, now incarcerated at Broadmoor Prison, is visited by a psychopathic elephant who was the rhino’s step brother. James calls him ‘Shit Dumbo’, which is funny because it will be one children’s book character referring to another children’s book character and saying “shit”.
2) Notting Hill
In the original, Hugh Grant’s Will spills orange juice all over Julia Robert’s Hollywood superstar Anna Scott. In this gritty reboot for the R-rated franchise generation, Will spills searing hot acid on Anna’s face, giving her third-degree facial burns… AND SUPERPOWERS! (The superpowers will be decided at a later date depending on which ones are trending at the time of production.)
At first Anna resists her powers and instead spirals quickly into depression and anger, suing Will for all he’s got, forcing him to sell his bookshop and enter the shady world of male webcamming to raise money for a defence.
After the jury finds Will innocent on all counts, Anna vows vengeance. She dons a figure-hugging costume that would body-shame even the cruellest personal trainer and seeks out a kung-fu master to teach her in the ways of expertly choreographed punching and kicking Hugh Grant’s face off. Which she does right at the end. In super slow-motion. It will be glorious.
3) Lost in Translation 2: Bob’s Whispers
This much-cried-out-for sequel takes place immediately after the final moments of the first film and follows Charlotte as she attempts to track down Bob to find out just what on earth he whispered in her ear.
She replays the events over and over in her mind and even goes as far as to seek out a shady ‘Thought Architect’ (potentially played by Leonardo DiCaprio who will be looking to do something really shit after finally popping his Oscar cherry) who tells her he can put her thoughts on-screen and work out what Bob is saying.
As the film progresses and the painful procedures start to take their mental and physical toll, Bob’s whispers evolve and start telling Charlotte what to do and how to behave. But is it for good or for evil? Will Bob’s whispers protect Charlotte from a conspiracy much bigger than anyone knows, or will it lead her directly into the enemy’s hands? Wait, what enemies, you didn’t mention enemies, what are you talking about? You’ll just have to wait until the credits have rolled to find out in a three-second clip from the sequel!
4) Zoolander 2: reboot
Following unfavourable reviews and a disappointing performance at the box office it’s time to reboot the sequel! (There’s no point in remaking the original, it’s still doing well enough in HMVs buy 5 for £30 DVD offer).
Zoolander 2 follows Derek, 25 years on from the events of the first film. Technological advancements have allowed scientists to re-programme his neurological pathways to significantly enhance his intelligence – he is now Chief Analyst at the Pakistan CIA station. One day, an explosion goes off where Derek lives, killing his family and interfering with his neural pathways meaning his superior intelligence will only be active for another four hours. With time running out can Derek find his attackers and avenge his family before the ‘Merman’ memories’ fight their way back to the forefront of his crippled mind?
I’m particularly excited about this one – blending the intrigue of Homeland with the innocence of the Derek Zoolander character and Ben Stiller’s comedy skills, I think this will be the Zoolander sequel we all wanted.
To make it even more amazing, I would expand the Derek Zoolander Cinematic Universe and have cameos (leading into highly successful spin-offs) from other model-related films. Meryl Streep’s Miranda Priestly can be the film’s antagonist, while Anne Hathaway’s Andy Sachs – now a cynical war correspondent who’s having a tumultuous relationship with a hunky British spy (played by the worryingly bulked-up Eddie Redmayne) – provides crucial intelligence to Derek in the third act.
5) Star Wars Episode VIII: sweary title tba
I know what you are thinking, “But Star Wars is already violent and deals with adult themes!’ Yes, you are right, Star Wars does already deal with more ‘cides than Nando’s (genocide, patricide, attempted infanticide) as well as racism, incest, political corruption but none of these were truly explored to the eye-opening standards that an R-rating would allow.
In Episode VIII, all the characters will get really angry when they realise that everything that happens to them has already happened in previous instalments of the franchise. THAT’S RIGHT! All the characters will be fully aware they’re in a franchise!
But unlike James and the Giant Peach, which is aimed at kids, Star Wars will have tonnes of swearing in it! JJ Abrams may have overseen the most successful film of all time, but I think I can beat that by just having any character turn to another character and say “Man, FUCK the force!” And as you can see, in true groundbreaking form, the title of Episode VIII will have swear words in it! (Obviously in China that will have to be censored, and all the action sequences tamed because it’s the second-biggest market in the world yet doesn’t like sweary words).
Hollywood, I await your call!
Disclaimer: Looking back, I realise that I may have inadvertently associated Nando’s with genocide, patricide and attempted infanticide. I have no proof that Nando’s has perpetrated any of these acts nor is planning to. Nando’s is a fine brand and I would not turn down the company’s Black Card.
Anyway, I expect I will get one automatically when all of these pitches get picked up.
There’s plenty more stupid claptrap on the site, for instance have you heard the latest news about shia labeouf?