Here are our favourite spoof action figures. From The Charred Remains of Aunt Beru & Uncle Owen to Lego Alderaan and ‘The Fog’.
What if we lived in the world of make believe and anything could be an action figure?
Well obviously that would turn pornographic really fast and that sadly falls outside the remit of this site, so here’s a list of the best non-pornographic action figures imagined by people on the internet. It may restore your faith in humanity and photoshop.
Lego Alderaan
“As if millions of Lego bricks suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.”
Spend hours not constructing anything and just quietly weeping over this delightful pile of grief bricks. If you have a Lego Princess Leia on hand, perhaps she can join you, crying over the wreckage of her home planet. Best to keep her some distance away though to maintain the illusion of scale.
The charred remains of Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen
No amount of Blue Milk will help these two poor buggers. Once you’ve finished playing with your ‘Bodies of Slaughtered Stormtroopers’ playset and have built a big funeral pyre then it’s time to join Luke and the gang as they hot tail it over to his Aunt and Uncle’s former abode. Using footage from various arson crime scene photos those geniuses at Mattel have painstakingly made these deathlike immolated remains. Next in the series is that one Ewok that gets shot by an AT-AST.
The fog
Nothing says excitement like anthropomorphic weather. The Fog Action Figure is the best land-based cloud toy I’ve ever seen, from the film that reminded us what total shits ghostly leperous buccaneers can be. Really pushing the boundaries of the cottonwool industry beyond the scope of ladies’ faces, it can also be used to play out other fun films including The Mist, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and Smokey and the Bandit.
P.T.S.D. Action Man
He’s seen things, the man with the eagle eyes and thousand yard stare. He’s sad because of feelings, that and the vial of Afghani children’s blood he keeps in his pocket. You get the full kit in fact – crutch, pills, booze and even a fun noose. If you have an appropriately scaled vehicle you can even have him stumble out drunk to try and clean your windscreen with a tiny dirty piece of newspaper.
Courtesy of Battlefield Casualties
The Meat from Rocky
Originally part of a proposed fun film food products double pack with the wanking pie from American Pie, this side of beef is all about the realism. Hours of fun can be had with your Rocky toy slurring incoherently while Mickey shouts gruff slogans and Old Cow-flank here silently takes a beating. If you can find a better steak based toy then you are a better man than me.
This is genuinely available to buy from Amazon.
Steven Seagal UFC Figure
This fantastic figure of Mr Straight-To-Video himself has everything you will need to capture that renegade spirit. Armed to the teeth with his weapons of choice: a semi-automatic guitar-gun and a collection of knives and broken pool cues. Bad guys will be running for their lives! All his looks are available too: chef, man wearing beanie, it even has spare hair triangles.
It harkens back to the golden days when he was just slightly fat as opposed to today’s full on Paul Prudhomme girthfest. The set is rounded off with a ‘Deadly Stuff’ secret manual and his requisite Box of Souls he bought off the Dalai Lama. Now to find a 3” Erika Eleniak.
Courtesy of masatotoys.com
Chris Morris from Brasseye
The ultimate made up figure replete with pretentious sneer. Look at him there, hating Sebastian Coe and slapping some meat (the meat from Rocky can be used for this). He comes equipped with a massive dose of Cake, the made up drug, and a paedophile crab that’s been freshly nailed by the odious Dr Fox. If you want to reenact Paedogeddon then I’d advise getting a Lego school to use as a disguised nonce.
Courtesy of Mustard.
Barbecue
There are some heroes that just never get the kudos they deserve and others that are never mentioned at all. With this in mind I want us all to raise a glass to the humble Barbecue. This all action rendering comes with an amazing lid and will have any of the meat based small-size supervillains running a mile. The meat from Rocky is safe by virtue of its size and affiliation with a wanky pie. Never underestimate the benefits of garden cooking to really teach children an early moral lesson. May the sauce be with you.
Courtesy of Action Figure Barbecue
Horse action figure (Monty Python And the Holy Grail)
It’s about time that horses were represented in the scaled down world of action figures and what better horse to kick it all off than King Arthur’s horse from Monty Python and The Holy Grail? This is an exact 1:1 scale replica of the complete horse with real husk and slight remnants of delightful smelling flesh. Get yourself a Patsy and start trotting right now. Self-created whinnies are optional.
The Force
The final Star Wars related toy in this list, and unbelievably, it’s only the second best ethereal figure I’ve seen so far today.
Barack Obama
The last on our list is by far the closest to real life. To millions of people around the world Barack Obama is an inspiration; the first black president of the USA and an all-round success story. To the owners of this action figure he is also a Ronin with wicked Bo staff skills. It seems obvious that Obama would pick dual Katanas as his weapon against intolerance and, I don’t know, ISIS or whatever they are called now. Leading by example is the flavour of the day here and I’m sure we all agree that Ronin Obama is someone we would follow into a Fallujah hellhole safe in the knowledge that swords are better than guns.
