Film adaptations of videogames tend to be a little disappointing. The problem is that the people involved in them are thinking to small. Some things work better as TV shows, drawn out over multiple episodes and seasons, and viewed at our own leisurely pace.
In the spirit of Alan Partridge (youth hostelling with Chris Eubank became a thing after all) let’s machine-gun-pitch some nonsense to TV execs who may or may not (probably not) be reading with this videogame themed mash-up pitching session.
‘Livet är Konstigt’ (Life is Strange – The Swedish detective series)
Only the country that sees as little sunlight during the winter months as Sweden would be able to truly do justice to the undertones of Life is Strange.
Like a particularly dark episode of Saved by the Bell, the game is the right mixture of inner teenage angst and outer ‘holy fuck I can do what with time and space?’ – which really warps your noodle.
All of this whilst delivering the cliffhangers and deep character development that a primetime drama series needs to keep an audience coming back for more.
Livet är Konstigt sees Chloe and Max team up as a pair of detectives tasked with solving some gruesome murders. Obviously things get a little out of hand each week with Max forced to make some tough decisions. Good thing that she can see how both choices would pan out.
However, does it only make it worse knowing the outcome? Dun, dun, dun…
‘SuperManny’ (Dishonored – The reality TV series)
You had one job Corvo! All you needed to do was look after a sodding princess and she got captured (cliché much?!)
Right, off you go to try and get her back, but make sure that all the maiming and killing you do along the way doesn’t affect our little darling too much. After all when she’s safely on the throne she needs to run the kingdom.
SuperManny is a fly on the wall show where Corvo’s struggles to fight through the corrupt dystopia of Dunwall while instilling proper values into little Emily Kaldwin. Stuff like don’t be a psychopathic murderer and pick up your toys when you’re done with them.
Oh bugger that guard saw me. OK, what’s the harm in a little killing? Turn away Emily… Well, I suppose I’ve started now.
Tune in next week for episode two when Corvo has to plan Lady Boyle’s Last Party. Booking the entertainment was… murder!
‘Everyone Loves Trevor’ (Grand Theft Auto 5 – The daytime sitcom)
This is an actual conversation between Trevor and Michael in GTA5…
Michael De Santa: You… are a hipster!
Trevor Philips: What?
Michael De Santa: You’re a hipster.
Trevor Philips: I hate hipsters.
Michael De Santa: Classic hipster denial.
Trevor Philips: I abhor hipsters. I eat them for fun!
It doesn’t take much to reimagine one of the most controversial characters that Rockstar has ever created (now that’s a statement) as a daytime sitcom star.
For Everyone Loves Trevor, Philips is recast as a barista in one of the more trendy coffee dispensing establishments in Los Santos. However, his old life of crime is catching up to him and he ends up doing a caper-like heist – which he promises will be his last one (the one after this one).
Throw in an extended family of loveable misfit kids from the neighbourhood who for some strange reason look up to sympathetic psychopath and you’ve got yourself a B-plot story of the week.
Also, it allows for one or two of those hideous ‘After Dark’ runs, which shows like Hollyoaks likes to do so the writers can say “bum” and talk about naughty things like having small tokes on marijuana cigarettes.
However, in our show Trevor does all the drugs before the cameras start rolling and can get on with the important things… like all the torturing he needs to do in the half an hour special.
I’ll have a shot of satire in my latte please.
‘Cooking with Jill’ (Resident Evil – The cooking show)
It’s not every cooking show where the headline name is the ingredient rather than the star.
In Cooking with Jill, Racoon City’s recently undead show us how best to prepare and eat Miss Jill Redfield in a variety of ways.
The language barrier is a slight problem, but eventually the grunting and moaning make sense… It’s just hard to hear it through the screams.
‘A Douche Abroad’ (Far Cry 3 – The travel programme)
Like a cross between a David Attenborough documentary and the X-Games. Sounds gnarly man.
Let’s go to South East Asia and look at all the cultural stuff whilst blowing the shit out of it.
Sponsored by some highly caffeinated energy drink…
‘Endless Planets’ (No Man’s Sky – The experimental art-house live stream)
You thought that No Man’s Sky was going to take you forever (so the internets say). You just wait for the live art-project streamed live on one of those paid-for arts channels nobody actually subscribes to.
Similar to Andy Warhol’s Empire, Endless Planets literally lasts forever.
It’s just live stream footage of one player’s quest to visit all of the planets in one of the randomly generated universes. Running to over six thousand hours (and made available on a 48-disc box set) this is one for all you insomniacs out there.
Of course you don’t get it. It’s art. It’s supposed to be making an intentional statement. What statement? Well… global warming… Maybe…?
‘Vault ###’ (Fallout 4 – the reality TV Series)
Bored of Big Brother? Well how about we put a little spice in the mix? Not only do twelve strangers/Z-list celebs have to exist in the same space as each other (no mean feat for the types who go on it apparently) and perform banal tasks for our viewing pleasure, but there’s a group of scientists among the camera crew performing some awfully sick experiments on the participants.
Remember get voting to “save” your favourite.
‘That Won’t Fit in There!’ (Tetris – the Channel 4 sex documentary)
Narrow gaps… Long things… This one kinda writes itself… I hope.