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What if Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a big pile of shit?

3 December, 2015 — by The Methods Unsound staff0

star wars first order stormtroopers from force awakens

Asking the question that nobody else even dares to consider, Methods Unsound has assembled its crack team of writers to deliberate on the thing we fear the most… what will happen if Star Wars: The Force Awakens turns out to be a big pile of shit?

We fragile-hearted Star Wars fans have had a rough ride since the special edition of Star Wars Episode IV was released in 1997. Thanks to Lucas’s persistent tinkering with the original films and his later cack-handed attempt at a prequel trilogy, our collective patience eventually crumbled to dust at the exact moment the freshly anointed Darth Vader screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” in an absurdly melodramatic manner in Episode III.

The last thing we expected was for another trilogy to be produced and certainly for it to have nothing to do with its original creator. But that all changed in 2012, when The Walt Disney Company acquired Lucasfilm and announced that we’d have another chance to explore our treasured galaxy far, far away with the same iconic characters we never thought we’d see onscreen again. All free from the increasingly desperate, fidgety hands of Lucas.

We’ve been burnt before

For most of us of a ‘certain age’ that have ‘particular tendencies’ a lot of our hopes and dreams rest on the success of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It’s a hell of a burden to be weighed down with, but against all odds most of the signs point towards it being something incredibly special, maybe even better than the original trilogy.

Each trailer has been a genuinely spine-tingling experience, we’re also promised a return to the practical special effects and sets of the originals, rather then the CGI spew of the prequels. George Lucas hasn’t written it so the dialogue might be of a competent quality and hopefully won’t contain any racist caricatures and demeaning slave bikinis. Hell, even Harrison Ford has deigned to return. Ford also said that the finished film is “really really good”, and he’s an irascible old grump who has little positive to say about anything, so this speaks volumes.

Then again, we’ve all been hurt before, and there’s that nagging feeling that our optimism is wildly misplaced. As a once heavily maligned but now obscure indie rock band from Chester once sang, “I can only disappoint you because I always let you down.” Therefore it’s probably safer to expect the new Star Wars film to be a big pile of shit. After all, it could easily happen.

But what do we do then? Can our hearts take another break? Will society (and by ‘society’ I mean the niche little funny-smelling corner we operate in) disintegrate like Darth Vader’s melted helmet? Or will we just become numb from the pain, and resolve never to feel anything ever again?

Let’s ask the team what they think…

John Hayward

tie-fighters vs. x-wings in the snow

If it’s shit then it will be the last bullet in the throat of my 30-something-year-old nostalgia. We turned up to The Phantom Menace with all the high hopes that at last we get the follow up to our beloved trilogy.

Two hours later we walked out having been cock-slapped by George Lucas, not just your average cock-slap either, a Jar-Jar shaped cock-slap. The next two were marginally better but still with every release our sense of anticipation and wonder diminished. I begrudgingly went to the last one mainly to see Hayden Christiansen being carved up.

I think, with the cast and director they have chosen, I can once again look forward to Star Wars, but there will always be that niggling taint in the back of my mind. Will that Gungan bell-end raise his stupid head? Will he be wearing black mouse ears?

So, to answer the question accurately… if The Force Awakens is a big pile of shit, mesa smash up the cinema!

Toni Farrow

rey speeds off in the desert

Huh? Oh, the new Star Wars film? Do I care? Probably not really, no, sorry. Sure I have seen all of the movies a few times each, I’m pretty sure I have the plot down and I even know the names of some of the little puppet dudes and animal guys that run around the place (eg: Jawas, Tusken Raiders – those are good keywords to pull out on a first date by the way). But I do not class myself as a Star Wars “fan” by any stretch of the imagination.

My favourite film of the franchise is Attack of the Clones for Christ sake, and everyone knows that is the worst one! Apart from The Phantom Menace with that annoying little shit and fucking Jar Jar Binks. I am well aware that it is terrible movie, the acting is atrocious and it’s merely padding before you get to the “good” movies (for further proof, see Star Wars: The Machete Order) . But the reason I like it is because it’s where Anakin and Amidala fall in love, and I am basically just a big old squishy, romantic underneath my furious rage and sailor’s mouth.

So my only hope for The Force Awakens is that the main guy/girl will fall in love with other main girl/guy and it will turn into a great big lovely rom com, maybe with a cameo from Hugh Grant and a hilarious scene with a dog? And then there’ll be some sort of intergalactic spaceship battle offscreen somewhere in the sky above their heads where the Empire is defeated (or wins – I always forget who the good guys are) and then Han Solo and Leia will ride off into the sunset on Chewy. THE END!

Rich Watkin

millenium falcon force awakens

I’ll be honest I would lose faith in humanity if this film sucks donkey balls. I am pinning all of my hopes on this being the movie to define my lifetime – I was taken to see Return of the Jedi at the cinema but I was too young remember it. I couldn’t have ‘bought-in’ much harder: trailers – watched to death; merchandise – van full of it; tickets to the film – 12.01 am screening on day of release in IMAX 3D. I’m even harassing people at work to whip up their excitement.

Everything looks perfect, they’ve gone back to practical effects, I have faith in every word said about it ‘redefining the Star Wars legacy’. I won’t lie, if this film is bad it will ruin my Christmas, and then I’ll be forced to ruin everyone else’s Christmases too, whether they cared about it or not.

Zachary Kilburn

kylo ren draws his lightsaber

I don’t care, I really don’t like Star Wars. Please send poop and pitchfork wielding mobs to Zak, 150 Dontgiveafuck Ave, London.

Ted Wilkes

rey and BB-8 in the desert gif

It is known around the world as SW Day, the day of ‘The Event’ or That Day Which We Do Not Speak Of (TDWWDNSO). No one is entirely sure of his true identity, but it is believed that one cinema goer, enraged with the disappointment of The Force Awakens took it upon himself to write and direct his own version of the film. However, with no access to filmmaking equipment, or the budget for such a lengthy marketing campaign he set up a Kickstarter to build his own Death Star orbiting the planet Earth – it was the next best thing in his mind.

It was the most successful crowdfunding campaign to date and once he’d paid the mandatory fees he constructed his own planet destroying device just outside our planet’s atmosphere. The governments of the world reacted with force, but our missiles could do nothing against such an impressive structure and with his constant Backer Updates he was able to let us know that further acts of aggression would be met with the destruction of our home world. Now he holds Earth hostage and makes a yearly demand that our best and brightest try and re-imagine the film that started it all.

All he requires is one Star Wars sequel to live up to A New Hope and then he will turn himself in (he wasn’t satisfied with the counter offer of Empire Strikes Back during round table talks at the UN). The world is still waiting for its hero.

Catherine Thompson

poe dameron says wow

I’ll probably just move on with my life and get back to re-watching Firefly over and over again and sobbing into the my copy of Joss Whedon’s autobiography.

Matt Owen

bb-8 rolling

How can it not be terrible? Have you SEEN the trailers? I mean, oh sure, the spaceships look amazing n’ that, but come off it, who would have a shitty robot-hand like that? And the dialogue is bloody awful so far (mind you, it was in the original trilogy too. Who knew that the imperial elite all went to Harrow?), and Han already seems bored out of his mind, and there’s not even a hint of hot Wookie-on-Minock BDSM action (sample chapter title: “Chewie on MY power-cable”). I reckon it’ll be a total mess, but I’ll still end up watching it 15 times a year.

CR: So you’re saying society won’t collapse? 

Oh I think it’ll ruin my life, because I have to spend eight hours of my working day on Facebook and Twitter, so I’ll be avalanched with iO9 blog posts about “Why TRUE Star Wars fans will BOYCOTT Disney” for the next eight months. It’s a life not worth living!

The Ape

darth vader's melted helmet

If the new Star Wars is shit I will 1) raise an eyebrow 2) laugh at all the weeping fanboys 3) wait 15 years for everybody to get over themselves and then have to endure endless articles on how ‘actually it’s not that bad’ when it will still be a pile of piss. (see also; The Prequels).

Simon Young

x-wing vs. tie fighter

Once they have slowly digested their initial disappointment, fans will gradually begin to realise the shocking truth: that the bad Star Wars films now outnumber the good! One by one, they will be compelled to reassess the Star Wars Holiday Special to see where it fits, quality-wise, and accept it as an official entry in the series. Once people realise it is better than the prequels, if only for Carrie Fisher singing the Star Wars theme (who knew there were lyrics?) whilst off her crazy face on space dust, the devastating blow of The Force Awakens won’t seem that bad. And with the sagging realisation that watching Chewbacca’s family celebrate Life Day is truly a more delightful experience than J.J. Abrams’ offensive entry, fans will finally have brought balance to The Force.

Now, let’s all sing Star Wars!

We celebrate a day of peace,
a day of harmony,
a day of joy we all can share together joyously;
a day that takes us through the darkness,
a day that leads us into might,
a day that makes us want to celebrate the light;
a day that brings the promise that one day we’ll be free…
to live,
to laugh,
to dream,
to grow,
to trust,
to love,
to be!

For more in-depth and slightly wayward film analysis, check out our movie features section including our 22 best films of 2015.

What if Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a big pile of shit?
What if Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a big pile of shit?
Asking the question that nobody else even dares to consider, Methods Unsound has assembled its crack team of writers to deliberate on the thing we fear the most… what will happen if Star Wars: The Force Awakens turns out to be a big pile of shit?
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Methods Unsound

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