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Star Wars Travel Guide: Tatooine

3 November, 2015 — by John Hayward0

In our Star Wars travel guide, we journey to the distant planet of Tatooine, after our two week stay on Alderaan was abruptly cancelled for some reason.

tatooine landscape

While looking through an undisclosed branded holiday aggregator site we found an offer for a short break to a hotel just outside of Mos Eisley. We liked the idea of a beach type holiday so we went for it.

Tatooine it for the long haul

I must start by saying this planet is hot, very hot. It is just sunburn waiting to happen. My wife decided against wearing her metal bikini and covered up for the whole trip. Just as well as the locals seemed like a lecherous bunch.

After a long flight and a short speeder transfer we got there early evening. Upon arrival at the hotel we were greeted with drinks and canapés. Be warned blue milk does not go with vol-au-vents.

After checking in we were taken to our room, which was surprisingly big. The bathroom was rather sparse and there was only one soap for the shower and sink. I found the lack of toiletries disturbing, but I let it go as we got it cheap.

On our first full day we explored the local town, which had little to offer tourists. My wife bought a trinket from one of the numerous Sand People peddling cheap tat on the streets. I told her that they would be back in greater numbers but she didn’t heed my warning. Pretty soon there were loads of them trying to sell us things, at least I think it was loads of them, it was hard to tell. We beat a hasty retreat back to the hotel.

The evening’s entertainment consisted of a local band who were pretty bad. The keyboard elephant was obviously miming to a tape and the oboe pig was dreadfully out of tune. I ended up talking to a seal-faced man at the bar. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying but got the distinct impression he didn’t like me. We went to bed early so as to avoid a scene and we had to be up for an excursion the next day.

max rebo
He’s not even trying.

We awoke at the crack of dawns for a trip to the Great Pit of Carkoon. After a bumpy speeder ride we arrived at the Pit to find that a glass platform had been erected out over half of it. This was a very touristy move by the Tatooine council and needless to say it’s health and safety gone mad. Surely you can stand at the edge of an all-powerful natural wonder without falling in?

We stopped at a Nerf farm on the way back, for some refreshments and to pet the animals. I wouldn’t recommend the place to anyone. The staff’s general appearance left a lot to be desired and I am now officially sick of blue milk.

Day three saw us take a shopping trip to a Jawa village, which was basically a giant stupid car. We wanted some mementos of the trip, but all they really sold was run down droids. These were not the gifts we were looking for. My wife nearly bought an inexplicable walking cube but I talked her out of it. We returned to the hotel giftless.

star wars power droid
What even is this?

I went out that night early on, to get photos of the sunsets, it took four hours and I lost patience. Noticed womprats by the hotel bins, someone should really sort them out. No entertainment was provided that evening as there was some kind of kerfuffle involving that seal-faced man the night before, so it was another early night for us.

The next day it was back to Anchorhead for our flight home. Security was tight at the airport, There were Imperial troops on lizard horses everywhere. I’m glad we didn’t buy that droid.

All in all this was a terrible holiday and nothing like the brochure claimed. We will never use Hutt Travel again. Mos Eisley is a wretched hive of sun and mediocrity and I will not be returning. It is now four weeks on and my stomach is still feeling the effects of blue milk.

There’s plenty more stupid claptrap on the site, for instance here’s our Die Hard guide to surviving Christmas.

Star Wars Travel Guide: Tatooine
Star Wars Travel Guide: Tatooine
In our Star Wars travel guide, we journey to the distant planet of Tatooine, after our two week stay on Alderaan was abruptly cancelled for some reason.
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