Here are all the juicy spoilers in Star Wars: The Force Awakens taken from the postponed movie novelisation.
Last week the publisher Del Rey agreed with LucasFilm to hold back publication of its Star Wars: The Force Awakens tie-in novelisation till January 2016.
The novel, written by movie novelisation stalwart Alan Dean Foster, was due to be released on the same day that The Force Awakens hit the cinema, but even this date was deemed to be… I’ll quote the legal team at LucasFilm here… “a bit spoilery.”
This was a blow to Del Rey, as movie novelisations tend to make all their cash in the couple of months leading up to a film’s release. In fact the first Star Wars novelisation for the original 1977 film came out six months before it arrived in the cinema.
Novelisations of hit movies operate in a strange, niche corner of the entertainment industry. They’re neither respected in the literary world, nor are they tolerated by filmmakers. They are the very definition of a cheap cash-in, where an author (often under a pen-name) takes an early draft of a screenplay and turns it into a 200-300 page novel. The sole purpose of which is to feed the subsection of frenzied nerds who can’t possibly wait for the film itself to reveal its own secrets.
That being said, as a 10 year-old I struggled to care about reading, but discovering that there were movie novelisations already available for films I couldn’t wait to see, helped kick-start my love of books and helped develop the reading habits I have to this day. I could also gloat that I knew exactly what happened in Terminator 2 and Back to the Future 3 way before my friends did.
And that’s exactly the same feeling I have right now because, dear readers, I have obtained a proof copy of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens movie novelisation and before I’m inevitably issued with a super-injunction, I’m going to spill all the juicy secrets contained within.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers
1) Whereas the previous two trilogies were set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the new trilogy is set in present day Stapleford.
2) Yoda: still dead. Anakin: still dead. Darth Maul: still dead. Grand Moff Tarkin: due to what can only be down to a lack of research from the author, appears in The Force Awakens alive and well. No comment is made about his death in Episode IV. He’s also a goodie now.
3) Princess Leia bludgeons a handsy Lando Calrissian to death with a rusted gold bikini.
4) BB-8 is a total dick. They’ve retconned the events of Phantom Menace by showing that the tiny free-wheeling sphere is responsible for the slaying of Anakin’s mom and the later incineration of Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen.
5) BB-8 has no dialogue, just shrieking laughter and the sound of a valve opening to spout torrents of blood.
6) That being said, BB-8’s threat is somewhat diminished by the middle-aged nerd constantly standing five-feet away controlling him with an iPhone.
7) Han and Chewbacca haven’t seen each other for a decade. Chewbacca spends most of his time lounging in the sun, staring longingly at the pool-boy while barking out orders for dirty martinis. “And make them extra dirty” is the only human-language phrase he’s learnt in the last 30 years.
8) Dagobah still has nowhere decent to get a cold-filtered coffee, and it’s impossible to get an Uber after 11pm.
9) Kylo Ren has indeed formed a cult based on the fallen Empire with Darth Vader as a god-like figurehead, however many inaccuracies occur in Ren’s version of the Sith’s teachings. Senator Palpatine wasn’t an imaginary friend of Darth’s, General Grievous didn’t have four penises and Count Dooku wasn’t a vampire.
10) Kylo Ren insists on Instagramming every plate of food when he goes out to dinner. It’s his most villainous trait.
11) There are no references to Jar Jar Binks, but there is a “many chinned bullfrog-like creature” from Naboo called Georglacus who is repeatedly laser-blasted until he is nothing but a char floating on the desert winds of Tatooine. The char is subsequently eaten by mutant womp-rat who then chokes to death on it.
12) Han Solo: largely pantless throughout.
13) Of course Han Solo has aged, as has Princess Leia and Chewbacca, but Wedge on the other hand doesn’t look a day over 32. Because of ‘future science’, which largely consists of not doing a shitload of speedballs in the 80s.
14) It is discovered that Midi-chlorians cause severe vomiting, diarrhoea, dizziness and dehydration. Vaccines are available from local 2-1B Medical Droids, but they do not come under most galactic health insurance plans. This forms the basis for much of the civil unrest at the heart of The Force Awakens.
15) Finn and Rey have palpable sexual tension, but mysteriously never kiss.
16) Of the new villains introduced, only BB-8 makes it to the end. He proves impossible to defeat. There are many lengthy scenes of an elderly Han Solo trying to kick him with no success.
17) There are Klingons in it. What? I don’t know. Don’t fucking ask me, I’m just reporting the facts.
18) Luke Skywalker isn’t in it at all. There must have been a typo in the casting notice. It’s entirely possible Mark Hamill has spent the last 18 months waiting for a phone call that will never arrive. He’s probably still there now. Go on, give him a ring. He’ll yell at you for keeping his line busy.
19) It’s not a question of “who in The Force Awakens has the force?” It’s more like “who in The Force Awakens doesn’t have the force?” There are endless crescendoing twists upon twists where every single character reveals they’ve had the force all along. Even fucking R2-D2 throws a Stormtrooper across the room just by looking at him. It’s exhausting. You’ll want it to end 25 minutes before it does.
20) Ewoks have devolved to become even more vulnerable to falling metal debris and fire.
21) Almost every ship is described as “penis-like” with engines “moaning” and “whimpering” and gun turrets “throbbing as they discharge there heavy load” by the author Alan Dean Foster, who has spent the nine years since his novelisation of The Chronicles of Riddick writing erotic fiction under a pen-name for Carnal Desires Publishing.
22) Poe Dameron is the love child of Wedge and Sy Snootles.
23) Poe Dameron spray-painted his X-Wing black during his ‘moody teenager’ phase.
24) Sure there are black X-Wings, but there are also transparent tie-fighters, hot-pink AT-ATs and two-tone Ford Capris.
25) Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes are on their seventh farewell tour, this time supported by Procol Harum.
26) There’s a really tall Jawa, but this just turns out to be Max Van Sydow. It’s a confusing revelation for a novel that doesn’t refer to any other character by the actor playing them.
27) Since the events of Return of the Jedi, Admiral Ackbar has set-up a successful chain of franchised snack-bars and called them Admiral Snack-cafes. Although the bitterness that exudes from him since Mon Mothma pointed out that there’s a much better pun on his name has made the Admiral insufferable.
28) Seems to end fairly conclusively, with zero room for a follow-up.