I love films. I love films of all shapes and sizes, I just really love watching films. But one thing I can’t stand is people who say things like “Oh I don’t watch films from Hollywood” or “I can’t abide blockbusters” or “Who’s Vin Diesel?”

I actually had to stop myself from repeatedly beating some guy round the head with a Mean Girls DVD in the shop I used to work in when he loudly proclaimed he “didn’t watch any films made west of France.” Just take that in a moment. I mean, I love my arthouse and my world cinema, gimme a Tarkovsky or a Varda any day and I’ll love it. But I can’t help feeling sad at all the “west of France” types who somehow think that a ridiculously pompous statement makes them anything other than a perfectly valid target for ridicule (and the odd, well aimed missile).

So with that in mind, and it being October, season of the witch ‘n’ all, here are some horror films that genuinely scared the crap out of me, but you might have missed because you were too busy watching a seven hour film about the fall of communism in an eastern European village (shout out to all my Bela Tarr bitches out there).

Give them a go. With any luck you’ll soil yourself and have a newfound appreciation for Hollywood (that said, I won’t be recommending Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows because fuck that, that’s just awful).

Chernobyl Diaries

I remember the day well, cos I was being a difficult shit and demanded I do nothing for my birthday because… Well because I’m a stupid idiot. Nevertheless, myself and my other half Nick set off to the cinema for a cinema birthday treat. We were gonna watch Red Lights (because Sigourney Weaver) and had high expectations (because Sigourney Weaver)…

… I also persuaded him to watch Chernobyl Diaries, mainly because it had been given a mauling by EVERYONE that had seen it, and I like films like that (except Blair Witch 2, fuck that film). Guess what?! Red Lights was a bag of shit whilst Chernobyl Diaries was fucking AMAZING!!!

It was so tense and, possibly why it was so good, so unexpected. Its a found footage (wait, don’t stop, remember we are trying to get you out of your pretentious comfort zone) about some tourists that go to Chernobyl in an ‘extreme tourism’ thing that made me feel stupid for not already knowing extreme tourism was a thing.

Obviously shit goes wrong and weird but its done so well!! It doesn’t rely on seeing bad CGI monsters, it doesn’t fall into creating horrible characters you feel no sympathy for. Instead it creates some of the tensest scenes I’ve ever seen (the kitchen one made my back hurt I was tensed so much. Wow I’ve used the word tense a lot haven’t I? It’s starting to get weird. Tense. Tense. Tense) as well as creating a story that’s not too ridiculous enough for you to scoff and head for the exits. Okay it is fairly ridiculous but not TOO ridiculous.

Also, the ending isn’t great, but it’s very hard to find a modern horror that has a good ending! Plus, the countless times I’ve watched it since, I’ve hated the ending less and less. And if that’s not a glowing review I don’t know what is.

Annabelle

So to start with, it’s not really about a big stupid creepy doll.

Okay, so it’s partly to do with a big stupid creepy doll (seriously, I don’t care who you are or what your trauma is, NOBODY would willingly pay money for that creepy fuck. The real Annabelle doll was a Raggedy Anne doll which is much more realistic, though I suppose aesthetically less shit scary).

But I digress. Effectively, they could have called the film Rosemary’s Baby 2 and I wouldn’t have been too annoyed (and I LOVE Rosemary’s Baby to death and back). Aiming straight for that stylish, mid-late 60s vibe that offsets the absolute shit in your pants terror to come, the film manages to pull this off with aplomb (aplomb? I might just go back to over using tense). The acting is amazing, particularly Annabelle (not making that shit up) Wallis who is utterly convincing as a Stepford housewife type who just happens across the worst type of demon (aka any demon really).

Very tense tension, mixed with that slightly off-kilter dreamy aesthetic plus the scene in the basement (isn’t there always a scene in the basement) help to create absolute genuine terror. In me at least. Real terror too, not the abstract terror of man’s certain doom in the face of a post-industrialised society. In Eastern Europe.

Unfriended

Okay, so admittedly I spent a long time thinking Unfriended was going to be awful. A film based around cyberbullying teens that takes place entirely on a laptop screen (trust me, that wasn’t a spoiler).

Actually wait, that sounds amazing. Whatever. I went in with relatively low expectations, and much like the others on this list, came out wetting myself. Even the fact that I am a complete troglodyte when it comes to technology and Face Time and things of that ilk, the character’s complete ease with the technologies that are literally in your face the whole time makes it irrelevant if you still can’t work out how to turn a Mac on. And it’s their complete ease and fairly natural seeming behaviour (well, what I assume is natural teens’ behaviour) that makes this film an absolute masterclass in suspense in a new media age.

I mean, it’s not Hitchcock, but it’s taking new, shiny things that us old people don’t understand, and using them to craft taut, tense (again) terror for the newer generation. And politely enough, they make it LOUD AND CLEAR SO THE OLD PEOPLE UNDERSTAND AND SHIT THEIR PANTS TOO.

I remember seeing Ouija (I have a Cineworld card, I didn’t pay) and although it wasn’t the worst thing, it felt very ‘teaching new kids old horror tricks’. It really didn’t work, partly because the story was shoddy, and partly because my 18 year-old niece wouldn’t know what a Ouija board is, or give two shits frankly.

That’s what Unfriended does so well, dragging old school scares and tricks into a bright, pixelated modern world.

So it’s only three on this list, apologies, it took me ages to write (I don’t own a computer, yes I’M the old person I directed most of the Unfriended review at) so you’ll just have to enjoy these ones and if you ask nicely, I might do some more ‘films you missed because they were made west of France’ type articles in the future.

For more cult movie madness and slightly wayward film analysis, check out our movie features section including these 10 banned horror movies you can watch on YouTube.