Captain America: Civil War is another miserable mid-point entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, following the same grim tone set by Avengers: Age of Ultron, piling on the greyness, the pathos and Iron Man not being friends with Captain America anymore :(
After Batman V Superman, I’d already seen quite enough feuding between supposed super-friends, but watching Iron Man and Ol’ Cappy go to town on one another was just too much to take. I don’t want to see onscreen buddies smashing one another through walls, I only want to see them mildly bickering, while complaining that they’re “too old for this shit”, but still feeling a deep and loyal affection that neither the passage of time nor the sleeping with one another’s ex-wives can shake.
10 ‘friendlier’ ways Captain America: Civil War should have ended
So instead of Iron Man and Captain America [SPOILER ALERT] having a massive brawl and going off for a sulk at the end of Civil War, perhaps for its special edition blu-ray release Marvel could use one of these 10 alternative endings where Captain America and Iron Man get on quite well and everything’s nice :)
The ‘forever friends’ ending
Just before they have their final battle, Iron Man and Captain America realise that they’ve merely been taking their separation anxiety out on each other the whole time. You see, this coming autumn, Iron Man is due to go to university in Michigan, while Captain America is staying in New York for an unpaid internship at a fashion magazine he’s always dreamed of working on. They realise that they must be grown-ups about this, and that through modern social media channels they’ll never be far from each other’s thoughts. After a couple of years, they only sporadically keep in touch, but when they do it just feels like old times, and that’s enough for them.
The ‘love means never having to say you’re sorry’ ending
Just before the final battle between the former allies escalates beyond a point of no return, Iron Man suddenly remembers a boy he used to bully in school, then realises Captain America reminds him of that very same boy who also wore a stupid bright blue t-shirt with a star on it and once shit his pants in assembly. Iron Man has uncovered the deep-seated reasoning for his antagonism of the all-American hero. Iron Man explains all of this to Cap and says sorry. Captain America says, “I know all of this Iron Man, because I was that young boy who shit his pants in assembly.” This revelation makes Iron Man burst into uncontrollable tears, drop to his knees and plead for Cap’s forgiveness. Captain America doesn’t have the heart to tell him he was using a metaphor and that him being the actual boy would be an impossibility because he was frozen in ice at the time. It’s a nice thing for Captain America to do. Cap strokes Tony’s hair.
The ‘I’ll be there for you’ ending
Iron Man and Captain America forget why they’re so mad at one another and instead reminisce for about their favourite episodes of Friends. Cap’s is the one with the video where Rachel uses the “Mount Tibadabo” story, Iron Man’s is the one where Ross is getting all stressed about nobody being ready on time. He’s wrong of course, that’s one of the worst ones, but Cap doesn’t let this escalate any further and they continue their conversation on friendly terms. They both agree that although it was sad to see Joey and Chandler fall out in season two. Chandler’s crazy roommate was very funny and it was nice when they made friends again. There’s a moment of recognition from both men as they realise the rollercoaster nature of their own friendship, they smile and carry on their brilliant Friends convo.
The ‘with a little help from my friends’ ending
After an epic blow delivered by Iron Man, Captain America finds himself in a crumpled heap after crashing through three floors of Stark’s mansion, lying on the ground of Tony Stark’s bedroom. A visibly pained Cap looks to his left and notices something under Tony’s bed. He pulls out a shoebox filled with piles of mix-tapes that Tony Stark has made for Captain America but has been too embarrassed to send. One of them is labelled “20 hard-rocking anthems for my bestie” and features ‘Hold the Line’ by Toto and ‘Be Aggressive’ by Faith No More, two of Cap’s favourite ever songs. A short while later Iron Man enters his bedroom and finds Cap sitting on the floor, listening to one of the tapes on a cassette deck (‘More Than a Feeling’), he looks up happily. Iron Man doesn’t punch Captain America like he was going to, instead he sits next to him and they listen together for the rest of the evening.
THE ‘WE’RE ALWAYS LAUGHING’ ENDING
In a daringly unexpected denouement, Captain America and Iron Man barely manage to raise a fist to each other in the final battle as they become too distracted by the presence of Paul Rudd. “Do the Sex Panther line,” says Iron Man, forgetting why he was even gripping Captain America’s neck so hard. “What are the nicknames for your dick and balls? The Octagon… and… uh… what?” asks Captain America of Paul Rudd, completely forgetting why his muscles were bracing themselves for a massive punch. Paul Rudd proceeds to spend the remaining 20 minutes of the movie delivering increasingly outlandish line readings that were never used in the final cut of Anchorman, while Captain America and Iron Man Instagram the shit out of it.
The ‘with friends like these’ ending
During the first moments of what will likely be an epic battle between our heroes, War Machine is killed in some crossfire. But it’s okay, the tragedy is short-lived because it turns out War Machine was only trying to make Iron Man and Captain America not be friends anymore. He was jealous of them getting on, so War Machine did things that only a true ‘war machine is capable of, for instance: lying on Facebook that Iron Man was around at War Machine’s house when he was meant to be at Captain America’s house but had cancelled on Cap because he was feeling a bit tired. IT WAS TRUE THOUGH, HE WAS FEELING A BIT TIRED. Anyway, War Machine is eventually found out and is caught in some crossfire and is killed and nobody minds.
The ‘friend in need’ ending
While having their final massive fight, Black Widow says to Iron Man and Captain America “while you two were having your final massive fight, you missed Hawkeye’s birthday party and he’s really sad now so he’s gone home after waiting on his own in TGI Friday’s for more than three hours. It’s the exact same thing that happened last year.” This obviously makes Iron Man and Captain America feel bad for Hawkeye so they fly off and catch him on the way home to apologise. Hawkeye says it doesn’t matter, and all he really wants for his birthday is for the two of them to get along with each other. Iron Man and Cap realise they’ve been terribly foolish and apologise to Hawkeye, who then says “No, it’s not me you should be apologising to…” Cap and Iron Man realise what he means, they apologise to each other, and they all fly off to the nearest Cold Stone Creamery for a Mud Pie Mojo waffle cone. Iron Man goes to pay, but Captain America doesn’t let him and gets his own contactless debit card in first.
The ‘strictly between friends’ ending
T.C. from the shared Marvel Cinematic/Magnum P.I. Universe picks up Captain America and Iron Man in his helicopter and drops them off in Hawaii, where an elderly Magnum P.I. teaches them the true value of friendship using an extended tennis metaphor. Afterwards they all get drunk on Mai Tais and head off to a brothel. Iron Man and Captain America then form a solid relationship of ‘mutual knowing what the other one got up to that night while Magnum watched and filmed it all’. They never fall out again.
The ‘just good friends’ ending
Former allies Captain America and Iron Man do battle while riding on Bernie Clifton style ostrich costumes because Thanos told them to. They all fall about laughing because it’s ever so much fun. Thanos is annoyed that Iron Man and Captain America aren’t as easy to divide and conquer as he thought, so wanders off looking for victims who are less good friends. Meanwhile, The Winter Soldier looks on and says “you guys are such good friends, I’ll step aside.” The Winter Soldier goes away and nobody minds.
The ‘friendship is the strongest glue’ ending
Before Iron Man and Captain America begin their final epic battle, the heroes receive some tragic news. Bruce Banner has died from autoerotic asphyxiation. His funeral is sad and weird, but hilarity ensues when they discover Banner died in Hulk form and none of the pallbearers can lift his grotesquely over-sized coffin. Tony Stark has a great idea though, one which Captain America fully supports. Yes it’s the return of a fan-favourite… the Hulkbuster suit!
Now how about a cuddle?