Not content with being home to about a billion deadly spiders and snakes, Australia has found a new, more subtle way to kill every single one of its residents: the freakshake.
{Image: Pâtissez]
Created by the Canberra-based café Pâtissez last year, the extreme milkshake trend has quite literally reached parodic levels, but shows no sign of lapsing into hyperglycaemic coma just yet. Freakshakes can (of course) be found in America, but have also started popping up in London-based eateries, such as Molly Bakes, Dalston and Maxwell’s, Covent Garden. This is great news for anyone who has ever wanted to eat seven desserts at the same time.
The basic idea is to make a milkshake, and then top it with as many foodstuffs as gravity will permit. As with most modern food trends, we can thank social media for turning this Willy Wonka wet dream into a diabetic reality. The freakshake is peak #FoodPorn, its popularity catalysed by a generation of exhibitionist eaters who only feast on the most aesthetically-pleasing food. But hey, this isn’t an article about Instagram being an arbiter of noxious consumerism, instead this will be just like something from Buzzfeed. I promise! #Procrastinating lol!
So, here are 10 ways to bring all the boys to the yard, AND inhibit their ability to produce insulin AND kill yourself in the process.
#1 Top your freakshake with an entire black forest gateau
Ain’t nothing else to do but scoop up that pile of whipped cream goodness with your bare hands, and ram it into your cake hole. YOU CAN DO IT!!!
#2 Stick a whole Magnum in your freakshake
Use the Magnum as an über-spoon to shovel out the contents of your shake – standard cutlery is useless to you now.
#3 Turn your freakshake into a fire hazard
Hold it – did you just ram a small firework into your food? You’re too much! What’s that? You also ride a scooter to work? And you dyed your facial hair that zany colour for no reason at all? And you’re compensating for the fact that you work in a standard-issue IT job by taking up the electric guitar at an unusually late age? You’re such a character!
But in all seriousness fuck off immediately and try to drink something that’s not been set on fire, fermented, tapped from a tree trunk, poured into a jam jar, or otherwise bullshitified.
#4 Make your freakshake impossible to drink
If you think a freakshake is for drinking, you’re a straight-up dummy. You bought this freakshake so that you could document it on as many social media platforms as possible. Stare at the photos you took on the bus ride home, and try to imagine what it tastes like through the filters.
#5 Use your freakshake as a way of combining all the things your parents banned you from eating as a child
As we’ve already established, you are probably a giant adult-baby, so go ahead and just forget any nutritional advice that you’ve accidentally absorbed through the years. You earn good money pretending to know what you’re doing every day, and because of that you deserve to eat whatever the hell you want. Becoming an adult means completely disregarding every life lesson your parents ever taught you, and then slowly remembering them as you lie shivering on a piece of cardboard, surrounded by empty bags of Haribo and cocaine. This freakshake could be your first step.
#6 Use your freakshake to avoid meaningful conversations with friends
What if Donald Trump actually gets the Republican nomination? What happens if house prices continue to rise faster than the average wage growth? What’s an ISA? Should I be worried about this lump? If an object has all its component parts replaced, does it remain fundamentally the same obj… Hey nevermind, the freakshakes are here! Guys! Oh my god freakshakes! OMGEEEEEEE!!!
#7 Add things that nobody has ever wanted in a drink
You want pretzels on your milkshake? Sure. Chocolate-covered bacon? You got it! The sense that no amount of toppings will ever distract you from the pointlessness of your existence? Done! Anything goes with a freakshake.
#8 Use your freakshake as a fun way of stereotyping national identities
This must be what Ireland tastes like.
#9 Use your freakshake as a fun way of stereotyping religious identities
Let’s get inclusive in a way that nobody ever asked for or anticipated. Throw that dreidel in the bin, because nothing says Hannukah like an edible menorah.
#10 Turn your freakshake into a parody
It’s the freakshake that ate itself. And then threw up.
[Image: alanadimou.com]
