Some people ask me, “Why the hell have you got a Lindsay Lohan tattoo?!?” To them I reply, “Why the hell HAVEN’T YOU got a Lilo tattoo?” Did you see what I did there? Mocking the would be taunter with their own lame taunt. I learnt that from Lilo. In fact I’m pretty sure most of my life lessons came from her films.
I’m a tad obsessed with Ms. Lohan (that’s her name in the court records). It started with Freaky Friday and spiralled out of control from there.
She’s my idol, my Liza, my Judy, my… Well, my Lilo. She’s a total queero (queer hero to those not in the know), an amazing actress (I cannot get through Freaky Friday without floods of tears during the wedding rehearsal scene), an INCREDIBLE musician (her second album A Little More Personal is easily in my top five albums of all time, ropey Stevie Nicks cover included) and an all round star in that slightly off-kilter Old Hollywood way (think Bette Davis/Susan Hayward with less Oscars/enemies/wigs).
As such, I’ve decided to take you through the very best of her films…
10 best Lindsay Lohan films
If I had my way, this would include all of them, but I feel a top 10 might be less daunting. Drum roll please…
1) Freaky Friday
It’s just perfect from beginning to end. Obvs Lilo is the star, but Jamie Lee Curtis and Christina Vidal (who has the tiniest part in Welcome To The Dollhouse… What do you mean you’ve never seen Welcome To The Dollhouse? Oh god… Watch it. Now. Drop EVERYTHING) are great and even Chad Michael Murray murdering a cover of Britney Spears’ classic (yes it is a classic, LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE) ‘Hit Me Baby One More time’ can’t ruin it!
Lilo is pitch perfect, marrying the comedy with the drama all while pretending to be Jamie Lee Curtis’s character. It’s enough to send even the most pro actress mad (I’ve only seen one other person pull this off better and that was when Sarah Michelle Gellar had to pretend to be Faith in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode ‘Who Are You?’… keeping up?). Plus she gets to rock out on guitar a lot (and good god she rocks… Just check her song ‘Ultimate You’ as the credits roll).
Freaky Friday was also directed by Mark Waters, who went on to direct…
2) Mean Girls
What to say? Again, perfect! It’s Clueless for the 00s, the perfect teen movie that sky-rocketed Lilo to mega-super-proper-huge-star status, and rightfully so. Again, the perfect balance of comedy and drama, all while managing to solve every single teen problem ever with these simple lines (props to Tina Fey for the script)…
3) Just My Luck
Lilo? Check! McFly? Check! Faceless bland ‘hot’ American guy (Chris Pine)? Check! This has a lot more slapstick than any of the others on this list, it’s a masterclass in comic timing from Lindsay, playing a personal assistant who has ALL the luck, until she accidentally transfers it to Chris Pine, who has none of the luck.
Then they make out a bit, transferring the luck to each other back and forth until they both kiss his eight year old niece/next door neighbour (it’s not clear) and transfer ALL the luck to her. Like an eight year-old knows what to do with ALL the luck? I’d use it to buy a giant mansion, then never have to work again and then throw a giant party with Lilo, Beyonce, Adore Delano and Michelle Rodriguez as guests of honour. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do exactly the same thing. Anyway, all of this is set to a McFly soundtra… Wait, where are you going?
4) I Know Who Killed Me
In which Lilo plays a straight-A literature student who wears glasses and listens to Architecture In Helsinki who gets kidnapped, only to then play her identical twin who happens to swear a lot and is a stripper and REALLY doesn’t like her new mom (who is convinced sweary stripper Lindsay is straight-A glasses Lindsay with amnesia), who then solves the crime and finds her straight-A twin buried in a blue glass coffin and smashes it to save her JUST in time and then have an awkwardly long cuddle in said blue glass coffin.
She won TWO razzies for this but fuck that, she shoulda won the Oscars! Tense as all hell and weirdly soundtracked.
Although, Lilo herself evidently didn’t like the film…
Best quote: “Do I look like I’m in a fucking coma?”
5) Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen
A pretty young Lilo stars as a (future) Broadway star daaahling who moves to the relative suburbs from the big city, much to her dismay. She instantly puts her foot in it with the bad girl of school (Megan Fox), befriends the unpopular girl (Alison Pil from Scott Pilgrim) before chasing the lead singer of a rock band she is obsessed with across New York, getting arrested but making it home JUST in time to take the lead in the school play (a modern day twist on Pygmalion) and sings a song much to Megan Fox’s chagrin.
Do I need to explain why this is amazing? It covers all of Lilo’s signatures (comedy, singing, dress-up montage, getting arrested) and then some, plus Megan Fox is surprisingly good as her arch-musical theatre nemesis!
6) Herbie Fully Loaded
Okay yes, so this is the one where Lilo had to have her ‘assets’ shrunk a bit on the advertising because they were apparently too much for kids. Pretty sure kids didn’t have any issue with it, just stupid, conservative asshole parents AS USUAL.
Anyway, I never really saw any of the old Herbie films (I was far too busy watching Escape To Witch Mountain) so I hold no particular affection the originals. Which is probably why I LOVED Lilo playing a kick ass race car driver who has been scared off racing by her Dad who just wants to protect his baby girl (but not her brother, because girls need your over zealous protection ASSHOLE) but she is the best race car driver (as she would be, she’s fucking Lindsay Lohan) and in the end proves it to her dad, brother and all the other mildly woman-hating dudes in the film. Plus she wrote a song for the credits AGAIN and it’s amazing AGAIN. STICK THAT UP YOUR TAIL PIPE (film)DAD!
7) Life Size
Okay, so really young Lindsay has lost her mum in an accident, dresses like a member of the Stone Roses, shoplifts a book on black magick and attempts to bring her Mum back from the dead via aforementioned black magick. And it’s a Disney film. YES.
Oh, but the spell goes wrong and it brings her doll to life instead. And the doll is Tyra Banks. And it teaches her about the joy of fashion and happiness, while helping her come to terms with her dead mum. And then making out with her still mourning dad. Oh, and then just when she realises having Tyra as a mum would be AMAZING (until she comes to the mother/daughter soccer tournament and Naomi Campbell is one of the other mums.
Then it’s awkward), Tyra decides she needs to become a doll again and impart the knowledge the 10 year-old Casey (Lilo) has given her, thus essentially subjecting a 10 year-old to two dead mums. Lilo acts the fuck out of everyone and everything in this film. If you aren’t in fits of tears by the end, you might just be a cold, heartless shell of a person that isn’t fit to live. Jus’ saying. Oh yeah, plus you get to see Tyra Banks eat a stick of butter and it’s AMAZING.
This film contains two of my very favourite people in the entire world, Lilo and Michelle Rodriguez. It’s probably the one most of you will have seen (uh… Mean Girls? – Editor), so I’ll keep it short, but Lindsay (totally self aware) plays a drug addicted girl who makes out with her mum on her website to earn money. She then dresses up like a nun and shoots Robert DeNiro. I don’t really need to say anything else so imma just leave this here…
9) Georgia Rule
Okay, so this is definitely one of the odder films on the list. It’s Lilo playing an unruly teen that gets sent away by her mum (Felicity Huffman) to live with her gran (Jane Fonda) in Georgia. She’s a toughie, but they kinda learn to respect each other.
Then all out of nowhere, she accuses her stepdad (Cary Elwes) of abuse, then reneges on that, then says it’s true and then runs away when confronted. It’s really incredibly acted by everyone, but the storyline is a tad… convoluted. And dark. And pretty confusing. It’s definitely the most serious on this list, and because of its topic it’s kinda hard to put in a ‘favourites’ list, but it is excellent and worth a watch.
10) Labor Pains
And to bring it back to slightly cheerier levels, enter Labour Pains. Lilo is big sis looking after little sis after a tragic accident. Wait, it gets lighter I promise. She works for a publisher (the hapless doctor from 30 Rock played by Chris Parnell) as a proof reader, but Lilo has big ideas and longs to publish her own stuff. So she goes a bit crazy, pretends to be pregnant (including fake, growing baby bump), publishes a book on being pregnant, reveals she’s not pregnant but somehow keeps her job and lands the good guy!
It’s great, it’s also batshit crazy and has a good supporting cast. Plus Lindsay has started getting that AMAZING husk to her voice (seriously, I could listen to her read a shopping list and I swear it’d do things to me).
So enjoy. I expect everyone of you to go out, watch all ten films (tonight) and then go and get Lilo tattoos and stop asking me why I have mine cos I am pretty sure you will see her for the total fucking hero she is!
Special mention to…
THIS ADVERT FOR CAR INSURANCE BECAUSE IT’S POTENTIALLY THE BEST THING SHE HAS DONE IN THE LAST TWO YEARS.
Whatever, I’m outta here.