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10 most insanely fucking metal movies

29 July, 2015 — by Matt Owen2

trick or treat movie

This started out as a serious article. I was going to talk about the decline of the heavy metal movie.

How Wayne and Ted and Garth and Bill were possibly gone forever. How watching Lars Ulrich go slowly insane was no match for a satanic storyline with an actual plot. But then I had to re-watch some of these in the name of research, and I thought, “Balls to that, let’s just write a list of cult movies that are very, very metal”.

Because they are the best things.

Conan The Barbarian

No guitars appear in this movie, but try telling Bal-Sagoth that trumpets aren’t metal.

People get put on spikes, a Valkyrie turns up, more people get put on spikes, someone shags a snake, and James Earl Jones serves Split-Pea and Hand soup to a bunch of naked call girls, just before his head gets chopped off.

Metalosity: 666/666

The Wraith

Charlie sheen gets over excited while listening to Motley Crue.

So excited that he crashes, and comes back to life as a ghost that occasionally transforms into an 80s concept car and runs over Ron Howard’s rat-faced brother.

Metalosity: 88 million

Bad News

Like Spinal Tap only even better. Vim, Colin, Spider and Den go on tour, get stiffed on cheap sausages, play a gig to a single dog,eat an entire buffet and compose a song called Masturbike, which is good, but not as totally amazing as ‘Warriors of Genghis Kahan, and not as totally ‘sums up the metal lifesyle’ as Drink ‘Till I Die.

Metalosity: 42,000

Trick or Treat

Not to be confused with the more recent Trick r’ Treat, which while excellent, didn’t have Gene Simmons playing a DJ called Nuke, and was sorely lacking in the ‘green mist takes a teenage girl’s top off, and then burns down a gymnasium’ stakes. Backwards-message Satanic-panic hijinks at their very finest. So amazing even Fastway can’t spoil it.

Metalosity: 9/31

Airheads

Yes it’s got Sandler in it, but it probably represents the metal movie’s last hurrah. Three guys bust up a radio station, get mistaken for terrorists, and use the publicity to get a record deal. Also, how fucking 90s is this trailer? Anyway, Lemmy is in it which gives it an extra 6,000,000 metal points.

Metalosity: 6,000,001

The Empire Strikes Back

Darth Vader dresses head to toe in black leather and drives around in his pointy car playing booming kettle drums. He’s basically the inspiration for Immortal, which makes him metal as absolute fuck.

Metalosity: less than twelve parsecs, or about 27 million

The Decline and Fall of Western Civilisation: The Metal Years

People like to go on about the first instalment of Decline…, which featured punk so is slightly more acceptable to write about, but those people don’t see why Chris Holmes drinking a pint of vodka in the pool while his aged mother watches is actually something to aspire to. Faster Pussycat are shit, but can still occasionally be caught on tour. God alone knows what happened to the members of Odin though.

Metalosity: 1986

Rock n’ Roll Nightmare

The Tritons are not a brand of condoms. They are in fact a band, who decide to record in a barn. A barn that’s POSESSED BY SATAN. Fuck yeah! There aren’t nearly enough haunted barn films if you ask me, and certainly not ones featuring a rubber hand-puppet version of Old Nick, who’s most evil act seems to be to drool a bit into someone’s coffee.

Metalosity: However high the lead actors hair is in feet. So about 30,000.

Phantom of the Paradise

The Phantom of the Opera, if it were directed by Kiss. The Phantom stalks about, angry that The Juicy Fruits (yes, really) have stolen his music. Music which, as anyone familiar with this film will tell you WAS FOR PHOENIX. This is arthouse metal though, so expect synths galore, lots of acid and lashings of frankly unlikely lesbian sex.

Metalosity: 1972 x 1,000,000

Shock ‘em Dead

Quite possibly the best worst film of all time, and somehow the one that Traci Lords is  most ashamed of, but fucking amazing anyway. There is a sort-of story at work: Loser Martin gets thrown out of his trailer and loses his job, s he does what you or I would.

He sells his soul to a crazy old voodoo lady who happens to live in an L.A condo.

Soon enough he’s reborn as ‘Angel Martin’, greatest guitarist in the world. The only catch is that he has to feast on the souls of the living from time to time, along with his three sexy roommates. Oh, and at one point he traps Traci Lords in a paddling pool and throws a rubber snake at her. It doesn’t matter, you can’t argue with tunes like “I’m in love with a slut” and “Hairy Cherry”.

Metalosity: Six hundred and sixty six billion

Feel free to ask why I haven’t included Marky Mark’s ‘Rock God’ (Put underwear model in Dokken, attach script about personal growth) or Spinal Tap (overdone to 11) in the comments. Although I have obviously forgotten Transformers: The Movie, which is fucking aces. 

“WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY CORONATION?!”

For more cult movie madness and slightly wayward film analysis, check out our movie features section including these best CGI-free creature features.

Summary
10 most insanely fucking metal movies
Title:
10 most insanely fucking metal movies
Description:
Presenting a list of 10 insanely balls-out movies, that truly portray the sheer awesomeness and ludicrousness of heavy fucking metal.
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2 comments

  • Joachim Farncombe

    29 July, 2015 at 12:13 pm

    The Empire Strikes Back will forever now be called The Emperor Comes Back. Thanks Toni

    • Toni Farrow

      26 August, 2015 at 1:31 pm

      Hey! I just saw this! And in my defence I was very tired and Christopher wasn’t supoposed to tell!!

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